Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Forts Rule

It's been a hard, hard month. So, in the interest of all things happy, I am here to post something astounding, thought-provoking, and inspirational.

Forts rule. Boys drool.

Happy December Everybody!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Face Leprosy

So I know I’m way behind on pictures. Couldn’t help but post this one to keep you all guessing, and peeing in your pants for those yet to come.Hope you all had a Happy Halloween. The ninja Chuck Norris and his little monkey sure did have a good one.

I wore this to work. No one could figure out what I was. (Chuck Norris is too awesome for human vision). A guy walked in and asked our secretary, “What is wrong with that ladies’ face?”


Friday, October 22, 2010

Bowl head.

There are many, many things that I am bad at.
Blogging, for instance.
My list of crappiness also includes walking and chewing gum at the same time, mothering (Worst Mother of BRHS Class 0f 2000 – Holla!), cutting straight with scissors, having a face that doesn't make babies cry, being nice to homeless people….. I could go on for hours.
But, there are a few things I deserve a shout out for, for being the Captain of Awesomeness.
One thing: my thrifty skills. I have taught bubba dude to play with garbage in order to save money. His favorite toy? The one he can’t go to bed without? His bowl I stole from someone in college. Pretty much 90% of the day, it’s on his head. It kind of acts as a helmet which is much needed because I also am bad at walking without falling over, which he has inherited.

The other thing I am good at? Well, pretty much nothing else. BUT, I am posting an awesome picture of a friend get-together, because THEY are all awesome. I know I am just there for people to kick for entertainment, but still. Love you guys. A Special shout out to my BFF Oprah for making an appearance.
Also, I am never eating sushi again. Or Cheez Whiz.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Old ladies rule

This cutest face says it all. 'Some days everything tastes like a turd, but I'm so sexy!!'
I know I feel like I've been thrown into the blender of life, with a zucchini. Nasty zucchini. Blech. UNTIL it is made into bread. And then it's good. (See, that's a deep metaphor. Read it again and then hang it on your fridge).
We've had chaos surround us in the Heaton household as of late, although I'm sure it's muss less chaotic then the trials the rest of you deal with.
We've had a lousy, busy, insane week and this morning I just decided to call in sick.... because I AM sick. No, really. The chaos made me go all sicky. So as I'm laying here in my 'sick pants' (do the rest of you have those or is it another weird 'Ev' thing?) I am thinking I am not slowing down enough amidst the chaos to truly enjoy so many of the blessings of this life.
Especially the baby awesome. Old ladies are always so right, that he grows too fast to even know. He is 10 months...almost 11. He is freaking WALKING (well, like 5 steps and then freaks out and canon-ball dives). He's talking (he says 'yaaaay). And he's TEETHING. Which is the crap thing of it ALL. Perfect little sleeper? Not any more.
Earlier this day, while still in my sick pants, I was watching baby tv shows. Where is my BAAAA-BY? WAAHH!!!
So here's to trying to enjoy the little things, the teething sleepless nights, and to celebrating his growth. Soon, he might be old enough to be enlisted as my slave, so at least THAT is something that is good about growing up.

No really, today I'm overly grateful for this little miracle of mine. And for my life. I truly haven't felt this happy, albeit a little stressed, before. I love my boy, I love having my BFF sisters and nephew so close to torture every day, I love my little cheese of a husband, I love my job, I love my baby-sitter, and I love being able to see my toes again. So sick pants, or no pants, I'm having a good day.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Individually wrapped cheese

So my BFF Oprah convinced me not to quit blogging, along with all you sweet friends who made comments. She really likes my stories about poop. Oh, that Oprah.

It's 11:15 on a Sunday night and I can't sleep. I have to admit, I'm a little 'high' and I should be chaperoned. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I do NOT have a high tolerance for pain killers. And not the illegal kind, even. A couple Tylenol and Ibuprofen are good enough to have me table dancing. We don't even want to talk about my days in the hospital with morphene or the days of the prescription Oxy where I mooned half the neighborhood.
So I have another migraine and popped a few Tylenol and now everything is looking like rainbows and sparkles.
And did you KNOW that they sell individually wrapped packages of cheddar cheese, like little gifts from angels? THEY ARE THE BEST THING EVER!!!! I've eaten four!!!

Last time this pain-killer legal high happened was a few weeks ago. I was on my way to choir with Jack-Jack and Ash and I let them know about the days when I wore pudding balloons.

So I will tell the world now of my secret. We just had our 10 year reunion (oh my freaking gosh!!) which has got me all sorts of reminiscing. 10 years ago I was still pretty insane but my parents didn't let me out of my cage much so not many people knew. Plus I cared about what everybody thought. Always. Now.... whether it's the drugs or the head injury or schizophrenia, I don't. I don't even have a filter and it gets me in trouble.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Pudding balloons. I was taught by an older and much wiser friend that pudding is as good as silicone. So I learned to fill balloons with pudding (vanilla is the best, least smelly option) and flatten them out and add them to my brasiere. And I did it. ALL THE TIME.
They exploded a few times, but they made for a tasty snack in the midst of embarrassment.

And also, I wore two bras on my wedding day.

Crap, my blog isn't private yet. But those are my stories and I couldn't sleep until I shared them. Oh, seriously, this cheese is the best thing EVER.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

To quit....and Duck Fuzz

Yeah, so I have been seriously contemplating quitting blogging. But first, I just have to show you one of my favorite things: Carter's freaking cute duck fuzz of a head. Lookit!!!

I love this kid!!
ANYWAYS...... the quitting thing.... Yeah. I don't know. I love to stalk..... I mean, to look at other people's blogs. I am amazed at my friends. You have so many talents and abilities and funny stories and are all so near to perfect I shake just thinking about it. Me? I talk about poop. And homeless people. I am SO not a wonder mother that can post about the amazing projects of my day. My life is crazy busy and full of shenninagans, but not blog-worthy ones. Honestly, I do have a confession - I have never made a casserole in my ENTIRE life. EVER. (Also never watched Star Wars so I STILL think I'm cool). I wonder if my random rants and ravings are worth the time, or if I should just stalk in peace.
Besides, why do all these Chinese people want to leave weird Chinese comments? Do you think they're death threats.... or recipes??!! Go private??

Sigh. These are my thoughts. Maybe the real reason for maybe quitting is that I can't find my computer pluggy thing for my camera and I'm too lazy to get pictures other ways. Geez.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Chapstick.... Cuz my lips hurt real bad

Item of business #1: I know I have been ooooober bad about blogging. But I have ooooober good excuses, which I will include.

Item #2: The title of this post has no relevance. I get sick of having to think of good titles. And because it's my birthday today, I get to write what I want.

So.... here's a little bit of what we've been up to. And if you want pictures, give up now, because I get to be lazy on my birthday and I don't want to find my camera.

*Carter is crawling. Everywhere. And not just crawling. He is pulling himself up on everything... EVERYTHING. I'm worried social services will be called because he keeps falling over and banging himself.
*He has a fascination with the toilet. Should I be worried? Every time I leave a room, I hear his pitter-patter as he follows me. When it goes silent, I find him in the bathroom... sucking on the toilet. Our toilets have never been so clean.
*Jake started a kick-a new job. We have been praying and interviewing and crying for months, and we feel so so so blessed. He is the manager/designer of a marketing firm in Cottonwood Heights. Go Jake!
*Jake also thought it would be awesome to go and tear up half of his ACL and meniscus and had surgery. He is really funny when he is high. He talks about poop. More than me.
*I am going back to work. It's a necessity thing, but I think it will be ok - it's only part time. I will be working at UVU as the graduation/transfer adviser. Or something like that.... I'm too old, because of my birthday, to remember what the job actually is. But it's only from 12-5 so I can corrupt Carter with the rest of my days. I think it will be a good thing... I am just having anxiety about having to leave my widdle baby boy. However, I hope it will help my social retardedness that I am getting from spending most days babbling Lady Gaga lines to my baby awesome.
*I am joining an awesome new choir, the Millennium Choir out of SLC. I haven't sung since college and I ooooober miss it and I hope it will be a good thing. If they can handle all my talk about poop.
*I have taken up Zumba. Best workout ever. I basically don't get the hip action/jiggling thing, because I am wa-hite as all white, but I"m good at making up my own dances. And I'm losing a lot of my jiggly parts!!
*We went on our first vacation ever as a family to St. George for the sealing/blessing of my beautiful favorite niece Lydia. Carter doesn't sleep in hotels. And he REALLY likes their toilets.

These are my thoughts for the day. Now I am going to eat 6 pounds of M&M's, because I can. Besides, I'm starting to lose control of my bowels in my old age so I better enjoy it while I can.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Brain, how I MISS YOU

Ok, so I always have to start off most posts with ravings of my awesome little man. Because that's what makes me happy, and that's what I want to blog about......
My amazing sister Becca happens to hold the world record of neck circumference, but is also amazingly beautiful and talented. (Check out her blog... AMAZING)

His 6 month stats:
Weight: 18 pounds. He hasn't hardly gained any in 2 months. That's because he has a diagnosed case of the wiggles, the shakies, the oober-hyperactive-shake-what-your-mama-gave you squirmies. This kid is a mover. He is SO close to crawling that it scares me. I love that he sits, but it's not good enough for him. He wants to MOVE. He spends all day rolling around the house and scooting on his belly and bum, and I keep finding him stuck in corners. Oh, geez.
Height: 29.5 inches. Off the charts. Gonna be a baller.
Head: too big to count. Measuring tapes don't get that big.
He is NOT an eater. We have been trying to go through all the fruits and veggies and he pretty much only eats carrots, peaches, and apples. He LOVES to giggle and has a the cutest darned belly laugh I've ever heard. He still mellow, and always happy, but SO curious. He loves people and part of the reason he will never eat is that he hates to sit still for the few minutes it takes. He would much rather flirt. Oh, yeah, that's right... I'm already getting ready for when this dude is a teenager. Women of the world, crawl under your beds, because Mama Ev will be ON.

He also is 100% his dad. Yeah, he has some hope. He thinks he is a bad-a but underneath is all gooshy.
Priceless face, eh??!! I LOVE IT!!! And I love that the little blondey has grown the five hairs necessary for a fo-hawk.

I, on the not-so-cute hand, also have a diagnosed medical condition. Mom-brain. Can't remember if I already posted about this or not, because I don't remember anything.
I showed up early to a birthday party ---- 2 days early.
I shaved the back of my husband's head completely bald. He has one sad, lone strip of baldness ... reverse mohawk. No joke.
I wore my pants backwards to the grocery store.
I tried to get ready for church on a Friday morning.

It's not a joke. I've lost it. Ah, oh well. Backwards pants might be the NEW thing.

Monday, April 12, 2010


Whew, long time no see... I'm sure all the Chinese people leaving comments on my blog have missed me.... (time to go private????) Like everybody else... we've been a little busy. Mostly busy being in love with the above posted handsome he-devil ninja. What a jolly, drooly, happy, genius boy. I love my life.

We also... moved. Yeah. It was pretty sudden. We have moved 6 times in our 5 years of marriage, own 2 of the homes... and now live in a condo. Not everything is as planned but it works. I will do whatever it takes to try and stay home with my baby. If we could just get someone to buy one of our houses then I wouldn't have to listen to the upstairs neighbor vacuum, seriously, twice a day. ( I'm a failure if that is how much you are supposed to vacuum. Or maybe she just leaves a lot of crumbs, or is into vacuum any of YOU vacuum twice a day?? Seriously??).

We moved from good ole Pleasant Grove, BYU-driven, non-caffeine drinking, mom-haircut, land to Saratoga Springs, about 15 minutes further out. Our lease was up and we just needed a little more space, and we found a brand new, nicer, big placer that was less than what we were paying. We also needed to feel a little less Utah County-ish. Like I've said before, we decorated Carter's nursery in skulls ... we do not fit the mold. No offense intended. Here's to hoping Saratoga won't shun us for having mohawks, facial hair (my dang 5 o'clock shadow), or for our motorcycle.

Also in the meantime, I have lost my little baby. Cry. He is a little man. He eats solid foods, loves carrots, sits UP, and now thinks he can learn to crawl. He giggles, does the bobble-head, makes monkey faces, blows spit, and just generally makes life worth living. He turns 6 months next week. Yeah. It's a good life.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I love my Barbie arm

So I have to be honest. I've had work done. I'm not all natural. I've been under the knife.
Yeah, I'm a multi-thousand dollar woman. I'm half titanium.

I remember one of the first things I remember after coming into consciousness out of the ICU after my accident was my bishop visiting. While under the heavy influence of morphine, I told him I was in the hospital for a boob job. I even made hand motions depicting boobs. My mom has never turned so red, or so I'm told.

So maybe being metal isn't as cool as a boob job, but it's not so bad. I've always felt I'm a little different, and now I have the X-Rays to prove it.
My right arm no longer straightens. It has since been labeled the Barbie arm... I spent a few years being so ashamed of it I couldn't wear short sleeved shirts. Now, I love it. It's a miracle arm - the nerve damage sustained was so severe, it was paralyzed for several months. One day... it just worked again, and has been working ever since.
Until recently, when a screw decided to come so loose that I can hang coats on it. I tried to ignore it for a few months, but it has gotten so bad I hear it jiggling. So next week I get to literally have a screw come out. And I'm FREAKING out. This is the fifth surgery the accident has caused me, and I keep having those nightmares that I'm like those patients on Grey's Anatomy that die on the table before the surgery even starts.
I'm scared. Skeered, as the homies put it. I don't want next week to come! I know I'm being a big baby... but it's so creepy that I get a screwdriver to the arm...

And because every post has to include some news of my baby awesome ninja, here you go.
He had his 4 month check up two weeks ago. He is 28" long. He's a giant - off the charts. His weight was 16 pounds, which is only in the 70th percentile. The doctor said he was long and skinny.

He has also started to eat rice cereal. Well.... smear it up his nose and ears and eyes is more like it, because he can't figure out a spoon.. .but still, I can't believe he's this old.
He has also been doing such cute things. He has figured out how to roll BOTH ways, and all day long rolls around the room and under furniture. He grabs everything he can find and puts it in his mouth. He makes monkey faces and spit bubbles and giggles non-stop.
I LOVE MY LITTLE MAN. And his million little faces.
I've gotta get the Barbie arm fixed so as to better snuggle this little ball of awesome cuteness. Sigh.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Stop Growing Up I say!!!

Scream!!! I've come to many realizations during the past few weeks. Here are some of them.

1. I am clinically insane and should be caged. Wait... don't I mention this in every post? Part of the insanity (that and the drooling).
2. I really, really love my job as a mom..... although I think my son is re-thinking his choice to stand in my line in heaven... but I think I've posted that before too.
3. We spend our entire lives wanting to be older, until we're OLD, and then we wish everything would just SLOW DOWN!!!

My piddley little newborn baby boy is piddley no longer. He is CHUNKA. 'BUBBA THE CHUBBA.' Squishy everywhere. He went to the doctor this week and is already 16 pounds. I feed him nachos on the side, but don't tell.

The kid never ceases to amaze me. He is just so happy to be alive and explore the world around him. One thing is for sure and he is a friggin wiggler! He will NOT stay still. He likes to stand (with help of course), sit up, roll over, crabwalk.... you name it. He is just 3 months and he has learned to scoot. Not kidding. He pivots constantly on the ground and never stays in the same place that we put him down. I told you before... he really is a Ninja that WILL give Mr. Norris a run for his money. Prepare for Carter, Utah Ranger.

Realization 4: The Bumbo is my best friend. I never even heard of these things until my friend Di mentioned it. It sits him up so I don't have to. Now I have two hands free to... eat, pick my nose, and whatever I want!
Realization 5: He might be growing up fast... but it can only get better. We love him more every day and I always look forward to what he learns next!
Oh, and I realized I just ate an entire bag of Reeses. Oh, poop.

Friday, January 22, 2010


Is anybody else so over January? I mean, I love the snow, but by now, the holidays are over, the snowmen have been built, the fudge has been eaten, and I just wanna freaking skip around in flowers and see some gosh dang sunlight. Is that too much to ask?

We have spent a lot of snuggly days at home..., because we don't get out... we are down to one car these days and since hitch-hiking in Utah County is a little creepy, Carter and I are stranded until the truck is fixed. Not too bad, considering how cute and happy this little chubbers is.
In this free time I have decided to do many free things. Number one, I am being shredded by Jillian Michaels. It has been such an accomplishment to step on the scale and see the very slowly falling numbers, but at least they're falling. At least I am fitting into my jeans... although it's frustrating when after I work out, dripping from sweat, the husband says, while eating his Oreos, 'Oh, I decided to cough and lost 86 pounds.'
On those days, I make cakes. Yeah, I have decided to one-up Betty Crocker. She wishes she were me. Check out this baby; I should go into friggin business!
Yeah, so I guess cakes, or Betty Crocker-ing is not my thing. I really am trying to learn to be domestic after so many years working out of the home.... but I guess I have to take my baby steps.
Speaking of baby steps... and babies... I know, I know, I am SUCH a mom with a mom haircut, but I can never get over how blessed I am to have baby awesome. Baby awesome is three months this week! He sure lives up to his name. Not only has he been sleeping through the night for several weeks, but it is usually 9-10 hours at a time. He is nothing but giggles and talking these days, and he even wakes up from his little naps just playing and talking to his crib. He has already rolled over and is such a little river-dancer.
I can't get over this little miracle and what an angel he is to us. What a mellow, happy, but freaking fat and adorable guy! I know for sure he will change his angel ways the minute he starts being mobile, so I better enjoy these snuggly days while they last. All the old people are right again, it really goes by too fast.

Oh yeah, and he is sporting a pretty wicked awesome mullet. Business in the front, par-tay in the back.
Also, he has back fat. But he's bringing sexy back.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


To say 2009 was a hard year would be a bit of an understatement. It was literally the best and worst year of our little family's life.
We've had a lot of the rough stuff try to re-surface lately, and yesterday I found myself all friggin out crazy again. Not my normal, lick people's faces crazy, but the kind of crazy where I cry when I saw how skinny people eating hamburgers are on TV (THAT IS NOT REALISTIC), and cry when I saw the pile of dishes, and cry when my new dryer sheets didn't smell spring fresh, and more like an old lady's perfume.
I found myself in the 'WHY ME??!!' mode and called most of my family to complain about how it sucks so much to be an adult.
But then it hit me. Thanks to a much wiser sister Becca.
I am seriously, like, so blessed. Seriously.
So we lost two jobs this year. We were able to get two more jobs.
We were told last December that we would never be able to conceive.... three months later, sha-pow!
We were told Carter would come two months early and face major problems. He came on time - perfect, healthy, and totally ninja awesome. He is the happiest little chubbers I have EVER seen.
So my body was taken over by something that looks weird and I had to gain weight - the bed rest worked and I am healthy (lost 36 pounds and counting, sha-zam yo!).
So we lost health insurance at 7 months prego. We got it back with 3 weeks to spare.

These small miracles are no small thing. I know we are being looked after from a power so much greater than our own, and I have NO room to complain. I remember 6 years ago when all I could do is pray to be out of the wheelchair and walk again. I promised myself then I wouldn't sweat the small things. I want to smack myself for thinking things are that tough now.

I guess I had to post this as a reminder to myself to remember to cherish the blessings and forget about the other crap daily life brings. Seriously. I know, it's deep.

I mean, look at my sweetheart's smile. Somehow... looking at this... I love my life!
Yeah, and the moving thing? Not going to happen anymore. I will be in Utah County. Please give me a HOLLA if you are around because I seriously am worried I might start wearing velour tracksuits before it's too late.