Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Don't tell me my biz-ness, debil woman!

I often lament about my aging. I can’t help it – I am an ornery old cat lady and was always MEANT to be one. I am recently encountering the worst thing about aging yet – the curse of devil sugar.
I have always, ALWAYS been such a sweet tooth. I always prided myself as well when I was younger of eating more than ten men and seven gorillas. Then this whole aging thing hits, where instead of all those extra calories magically disappearing, they somehow get stuck in lumps on your body. What’s the deal, seriously?
My curse seems to be of the cheeks. I don’t gain weight anywhere as much as my CHEEKS. (Well, the bum ones AND the head ones). To this, I say …. No. I figure I better stop the cheek gaining before it turns into my body looking like a lump of cottage cheese inside a garbage bag. I have been exercising regularly (including jazzercising) and TRY to eat so well. I JUST CANNOT WITHSTAND THE EVIL TEMPTATIONS!! How do you stay strong when everyone around you all day is eating mountains of fabulous sugar? How can I get my head, with the fat cheeks and all, to say no to my very conniving tummy? And WHY is it that some people, my hot husband included, can EAT this satan-derived goodness and STILL not look so … cheeky??

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Rodent be gone

OK, I'm insane, and I know it. Things are getting better here after this whole life-change thing, but it doesn't make me any less crazy. We are starting to meet some awesome new people, work is getting really interesting as they are training me to start diagnostical drug/alcohol assessments on kids, and we're facing the ever-important life changing decisions: grad school, babies, babies, babies, fat rolls, and puppies.
I just think I am going through my first mid-life crisis. I can't really get a tattoo, I don't need hair implants, and I already have enough metal in me and don't need piercings. I had other crazy ideas, like starting a cat breeding business in the wilderness, but I don't like cats and dirt makes me cough. So I gave in and took the majority vote on what to do when you're in a funk: I chopped my hair.

Ev: 'I look like a wet rat with this hair. Fix it.'
Hair lady: 'I'm afraid of rats.'
I haven't really been this dark before, but I LIKE IT!! I'm so sassy I think I can pass gas in public and get away with it!

Does it still look like a chipmunk died on my head? Part of going through mid-life crises is reinforcement!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Hey Satan

It's Election Day. I have pretty strong political views.... and I could create a very patriotic, intelligent post concerning the aforementioned views. It seems all everyone around me is consumed with. So today I just want to post about Satan.
Ev: "Hey Satan."
Jake: "I have awesome horns."

Last weekend we had the chance to carpool with Jake's sis down to Utah to see the family. We forgot to bring Halloween costumes for the annual party, so we decided to just be evil. See above.

Jake also thought he would be a double-dresser-upper and he decided to be a rapstar with my daddy. Here we have 'The Real Slim Jakey' and 'Papa Smurf......Masta P". Wiki Wiki. Dad's sunglasses are girl's glasses, by the way. I think we ruined him.....

We split the time in between Jake's family and my family. I also decided to add to my self-depracating sense of humor and post yet another embarrassing thing.... this picture. This has got to be the most attractive one I have ever taken. I am imagining Jake thinking...."I'm so lucky to have married a woman who looks like a transvestite that has awesome fish lips".

That night we had the annual Baird Halloween party. It was a bittersweet time. It was the first year since our dear Candace has passed and she always loved this party especially. We still had fun. I mean, how can you not smile a little when Richard Simmons is in your midst?

I'm also very proud of this last picture. This is the first girls picture where my butt is NOT sticking out in front of everybody. Yeah for going all conservative, Ev!!

I wish everybody a Happy Election Day. Try to watch out for Satan!