Individually wrapped cheese

So my BFF Oprah convinced me not to quit blogging, along with all you sweet friends who made comments. She really likes my stories about poop. Oh, that Oprah.

It's 11:15 on a Sunday night and I can't sleep. I have to admit, I'm a little 'high' and I should be chaperoned. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I do NOT have a high tolerance for pain killers. And not the illegal kind, even. A couple Tylenol and Ibuprofen are good enough to have me table dancing. We don't even want to talk about my days in the hospital with morphene or the days of the prescription Oxy where I mooned half the neighborhood.
So I have another migraine and popped a few Tylenol and now everything is looking like rainbows and sparkles.
And did you KNOW that they sell individually wrapped packages of cheddar cheese, like little gifts from angels? THEY ARE THE BEST THING EVER!!!! I've eaten four!!!

Last time this pain-killer legal high happened was a few weeks ago. I was on my way to choir with Jack-Jack and Ash and I let them know about the days when I wore pudding balloons.

So I will tell the world now of my secret. We just had our 10 year reunion (oh my freaking gosh!!) which has got me all sorts of reminiscing. 10 years ago I was still pretty insane but my parents didn't let me out of my cage much so not many people knew. Plus I cared about what everybody thought. Always. Now.... whether it's the drugs or the head injury or schizophrenia, I don't. I don't even have a filter and it gets me in trouble.
What was I talking about?
Oh yeah. Pudding balloons. I was taught by an older and much wiser friend that pudding is as good as silicone. So I learned to fill balloons with pudding (vanilla is the best, least smelly option) and flatten them out and add them to my brasiere. And I did it. ALL THE TIME.
They exploded a few times, but they made for a tasty snack in the midst of embarrassment.

And also, I wore two bras on my wedding day.

Crap, my blog isn't private yet. But those are my stories and I couldn't sleep until I shared them. Oh, seriously, this cheese is the best thing EVER.

To quit....and Duck Fuzz

Yeah, so I have been seriously contemplating quitting blogging. But first, I just have to show you one of my favorite things: Carter's freaking cute duck fuzz of a head. Lookit!!!

I love this kid!!

ANYWAYS...... the quitting thing.... Yeah. I don't know. I love to stalk..... I mean, to look at other people's blogs. I am amazed at my friends. You have so many talents and abilities and funny stories and are all so near to perfect I shake just thinking about it. Me? I talk about poop. And homeless people. I am SO not a wonder mother that can post about the amazing projects of my day. My life is crazy busy and full of shenninagans, but not blog-worthy ones. Honestly, I do have a confession - I have never made a casserole in my ENTIRE life. EVER. (Also never watched Star Wars so I STILL think I'm cool). I wonder if my random rants and ravings are worth the time, or if I should just stalk in peace.

Besides, why do all these Chinese people want to leave weird Chinese comments? Do you think they're death threats.... or recipes??!! Go private??

Sigh. These are my thoughts. Maybe the real reason for maybe quitting is that I can't find my computer pluggy thing for my camera and I'm too lazy to get pictures other ways. Geez.

Chapstick.... Cuz my lips hurt real bad

Item of business #1: I know I have been ooooober bad about blogging. But I have ooooober good excuses, which I will include.

Item #2: The title of this post has no relevance. I get sick of having to think of good titles. And because it's my birthday today, I get to write what I want.

So.... here's a little bit of what we've been up to. And if you want pictures, give up now, because I get to be lazy on my birthday and I don't want to find my camera.

*Carter is crawling. Everywhere. And not just crawling. He is pulling himself up on everything... EVERYTHING. I'm worried social services will be called because he keeps falling over and banging himself.
*He has a fascination with the toilet. Should I be worried? Every time I leave a room, I hear his pitter-patter as he follows me. When it goes silent, I find him in the bathroom... sucking on the toilet. Our toilets have never been so clean.
*Jake started a kick-a new job. We have been praying and interviewing and crying for months, and we feel so so so blessed. He is the manager/designer of a marketing firm in Cottonwood Heights. Go Jake!
*Jake also thought it would be awesome to go and tear up half of his ACL and meniscus and had surgery. He is really funny when he is high. He talks about poop. More than me.
*I am going back to work. It's a necessity thing, but I think it will be ok - it's only part time. I will be working at UVU as the graduation/transfer adviser. Or something like that.... I'm too old, because of my birthday, to remember what the job actually is. But it's only from 12-5 so I can corrupt Carter with the rest of my days. I think it will be a good thing... I am just having anxiety about having to leave my widdle baby boy. However, I hope it will help my social retardedness that I am getting from spending most days babbling Lady Gaga lines to my baby awesome.
*I am joining an awesome new choir, the Millennium Choir out of SLC. I haven't sung since college and I ooooober miss it and I hope it will be a good thing. If they can handle all my talk about poop.
*I have taken up Zumba. Best workout ever. I basically don't get the hip action/jiggling thing, because I am wa-hite as all white, but I"m good at making up my own dances. And I'm losing a lot of my jiggly parts!!
*We went on our first vacation ever as a family to St. George for the sealing/blessing of my beautiful favorite niece Lydia. Carter doesn't sleep in hotels. And he REALLY likes their toilets.

These are my thoughts for the day. Now I am going to eat 6 pounds of M&M's, because I can. Besides, I'm starting to lose control of my bowels in my old age so I better enjoy it while I can.

Brain, how I MISS YOU

Ok, so I always have to start off most posts with ravings of my awesome little man. Because that's what makes me happy, and that's what I want to blog about......
My amazing sister Becca happens to hold the world record of neck circumference, but is also amazingly beautiful and talented. (Check out her blog... rdlphoto.blogspot.com. AMAZING)


His 6 month stats:
Weight: 18 pounds. He hasn't hardly gained any in 2 months. That's because he has a diagnosed case of the wiggles, the shakies, the oober-hyperactive-shake-what-your-mama-gave you squirmies. This kid is a mover. He is SO close to crawling that it scares me. I love that he sits, but it's not good enough for him. He wants to MOVE. He spends all day rolling around the house and scooting on his belly and bum, and I keep finding him stuck in corners. Oh, geez.
Height: 29.5 inches. Off the charts. Gonna be a baller.
Head: too big to count. Measuring tapes don't get that big.
He is NOT an eater. We have been trying to go through all the fruits and veggies and he pretty much only eats carrots, peaches, and apples. He LOVES to giggle and has a the cutest darned belly laugh I've ever heard. He still mellow, and always happy, but SO curious. He loves people and part of the reason he will never eat is that he hates to sit still for the few minutes it takes. He would much rather flirt. Oh, yeah, that's right... I'm already getting ready for when this dude is a teenager. Women of the world, crawl under your beds, because Mama Ev will be ON.

He also is 100% his dad. Yeah, he has some hope. He thinks he is a bad-a but underneath is all gooshy.
Priceless face, eh??!! I LOVE IT!!! And I love that the little blondey has grown the five hairs necessary for a fo-hawk.

I, on the not-so-cute hand, also have a diagnosed medical condition. Mom-brain. Can't remember if I already posted about this or not, because I don't remember anything.
I showed up early to a birthday party ---- 2 days early.
I shaved the back of my husband's head completely bald. He has one sad, lone strip of baldness ... reverse mohawk. No joke.
I wore my pants backwards to the grocery store.
I tried to get ready for church on a Friday morning.

It's not a joke. I've lost it. Ah, oh well. Backwards pants might be the NEW thing.

Grunt

Whew, long time no see... I'm sure all the Chinese people leaving comments on my blog have missed me.... (time to go private????) Like everybody else... we've been a little busy. Mostly busy being in love with the above posted handsome he-devil ninja. What a jolly, drooly, happy, genius boy. I love my life.

We also... moved. Yeah. It was pretty sudden. We have moved 6 times in our 5 years of marriage, own 2 of the homes... and now live in a condo. Not everything is as planned but it works. I will do whatever it takes to try and stay home with my baby. If we could just get someone to buy one of our houses then I wouldn't have to listen to the upstairs neighbor vacuum, seriously, twice a day. ( I'm a failure if that is how much you are supposed to vacuum. Or maybe she just leaves a lot of crumbs, or is into vacuum yoga...do any of YOU vacuum twice a day?? Seriously??).

We moved from good ole Pleasant Grove, BYU-driven, non-caffeine drinking, mom-haircut, land to Saratoga Springs, about 15 minutes further out. Our lease was up and we just needed a little more space, and we found a brand new, nicer, big placer that was less than what we were paying. We also needed to feel a little less Utah County-ish. Like I've said before, we decorated Carter's nursery in skulls ... we do not fit the mold. No offense intended. Here's to hoping Saratoga won't shun us for having mohawks, facial hair (my dang 5 o'clock shadow), or for our motorcycle.

Also in the meantime, I have lost my little baby. Cry. He is a little man. He eats solid foods, loves carrots, sits UP, and now thinks he can learn to crawl. He giggles, does the bobble-head, makes monkey faces, blows spit, and just generally makes life worth living. He turns 6 months next week. Yeah. It's a good life.

I love my Barbie arm

So I have to be honest. I've had work done. I'm not all natural. I've been under the knife.
Yeah, I'm a multi-thousand dollar woman. I'm half titanium.

I remember one of the first things I remember after coming into consciousness out of the ICU after my accident was my bishop visiting. While under the heavy influence of morphine, I told him I was in the hospital for a boob job. I even made hand motions depicting boobs. My mom has never turned so red, or so I'm told.

So maybe being metal isn't as cool as a boob job, but it's not so bad. I've always felt I'm a little different, and now I have the X-Rays to prove it.
My right arm no longer straightens. It has since been labeled the Barbie arm... I spent a few years being so ashamed of it I couldn't wear short sleeved shirts. Now, I love it. It's a miracle arm - the nerve damage sustained was so severe, it was paralyzed for several months. One day... it just worked again, and has been working ever since.
Until recently, when a screw decided to come so loose that I can hang coats on it. I tried to ignore it for a few months, but it has gotten so bad I hear it jiggling. So next week I get to literally have a screw come out. And I'm FREAKING out. This is the fifth surgery the accident has caused me, and I keep having those nightmares that I'm like those patients on Grey's Anatomy that die on the table before the surgery even starts.
I'm scared. Skeered, as the homies put it. I don't want next week to come! I know I'm being a big baby... but it's so creepy that I get a screwdriver to the arm...

And because every post has to include some news of my baby awesome ninja, here you go.
He had his 4 month check up two weeks ago. He is 28" long. He's a giant - off the charts. His weight was 16 pounds, which is only in the 70th percentile. The doctor said he was long and skinny.
DOES THIS LOOK SKINNY TO YOU??!!

He has also started to eat rice cereal. Well.... smear it up his nose and ears and eyes is more like it, because he can't figure out a spoon.. .but still, I can't believe he's this old.
He has also been doing such cute things. He has figured out how to roll BOTH ways, and all day long rolls around the room and under furniture. He grabs everything he can find and puts it in his mouth. He makes monkey faces and spit bubbles and giggles non-stop.
I LOVE MY LITTLE MAN. And his million little faces.
I've gotta get the Barbie arm fixed so as to better snuggle this little ball of awesome cuteness. Sigh.

Stop Growing Up I say!!!

Scream!!! I've come to many realizations during the past few weeks. Here are some of them.

1. I am clinically insane and should be caged. Wait... don't I mention this in every post? Part of the insanity (that and the drooling).

2. I really, really love my job as a mom..... although I think my son is re-thinking his choice to stand in my line in heaven... but I think I've posted that before too.

3. We spend our entire lives wanting to be older, until we're OLD, and then we wish everything would just SLOW DOWN!!!

My piddley little newborn baby boy is piddley no longer. He is CHUNKA. 'BUBBA THE CHUBBA.' Squishy everywhere. He went to the doctor this week and is already 16 pounds. I feed him nachos on the side, but don't tell.

The kid never ceases to amaze me. He is just so happy to be alive and explore the world around him. One thing is for sure and he is a friggin wiggler! He will NOT stay still. He likes to stand (with help of course), sit up, roll over, crabwalk.... you name it. He is just 3 months and he has learned to scoot. Not kidding. He pivots constantly on the ground and never stays in the same place that we put him down. I told you before... he really is a Ninja that WILL give Mr. Norris a run for his money. Prepare for Carter, Utah Ranger.

Realization 4: The Bumbo is my best friend. I never even heard of these things until my friend Di mentioned it. It sits him up so I don't have to. Now I have two hands free to... eat, pick my nose, and whatever I want!

Realization 5: He might be growing up fast... but it can only get better. We love him more every day and I always look forward to what he learns next!
Oh, and I realized I just ate an entire bag of Reeses. Oh, poop.