Bed Rest

I will forewarn you, this will not be a clever post. Not a happy, witty one, or an intellectual insightful one, it will be booby. (That means sad. I once bore my testimony about how I boob. I meant cry. That was embarrassing....)
We had a doctor's check up yesterday. I was 1000% expecting a good report. I have been feeling so much better and little Chuck is still round-house kicking his way all around. I have had some contractions but I didn't think anything to worry about.
So without giving you the gory details, the doctor checked all up my basement and we found another problem. HENCE: Bed rest. Bed rest with bathroom privileges.
Woah.
I don't think I'm so much as upset with the bed rest as I am with the thought that our little ninja might be affected. I am so worried about him. The doctor says that if it continues down this path, by next week we will be giving him shots for his lungs to prepare him to breathe for his early arrival.
I want him to cook for 10 more weeks. (I'm at 30). I am not ready for this. HE is not ready for this. I asked if we could just use a cork or duct tape or something to keep him in there but I guess that won't work. They also said I am measuring a week small so he might be even less prepared than I hoped. So much for my theory of an 80 pound dinosaur.
So, bed rest sucks. Not so much a vacation. But I am willing to do whatever I can for my boy. I want more than anything a healthy baby - the rest is inconsequential.
So every day he stays cooking will be a blessing. Every day, hopefully every week, and hopefully even a month or two....and hopefully he could even be late and I wont' even complain if he is 70 pounds and has a full beard. I really won't.
So I am sitting here, bra-less, trying not to boob, but boobing anyway, just worried. If anybody has any good hobbies to do while I work on my bum fat, let me know....

Little Baby Chuck Norris

Brush back the tears, I am BACK to blogging. (yes, all two of you... meaning me... who missed me...). Summer is full of craziness and business and I love it!

We have had a crazy past few weeks that I would never care to repeat. Ever. But I do feel seriously SO blessed. Seriously. So blessed.
I am officially in the 3rd trimester. I get told all the time that I have been pregnant forever and believe me I KNOW IT. I don't think the little dude can possibly make my stomach stretch any further and there are 3 months to go. Ah, little dude. (No stretch marks yet but definitely ugly ugly ankles). We call him baby Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris Heaton IS his own weapon. He has earned his name by attempting to kick his way out of there. That or giving tae kwondo lessons, or maybe he's riverdancing. (I stick with the Chuck Norris theory - it's much more manly).

I am not complaining about the kicking though. We had quite a scare this week. On Sunday my stomach started to hurt. By about 8:00 I was having such bad cramping I felt like I was on my period and it didn't stop. I kept telling myself I am paranoid and just tried to go to bed. Within a few hours the pain was so bad I started vomiting nonstop. After waiting all night, I finally was smart enough to call the doctor (seriously, I don't have a brain) and he told me to go straight to labor and delivery. Not a good feeling at 27 1/2 weeks. Too early. They ran their tests and I was contracting heavily but not in labor. And I think my nurse had a perma wedgy and no one to love her as a child because she was not pleasant. She put me on pain meds and anti nausea and told me to go home because they didn't know what was wrong. I think she thought I wasn't serious. Or maybe it was bad gas.

This morning I got up and discovered I was bleeding heavily. I don't think I have EVER had such a sinking feeling, thinking something could be wrong with our miracle Chuck Norris. Jake rushed me back into the hospital where I was in sheer panic until I heard our little dude's little heartbeat. Yeah, he was kicking and dancing and hanging out like nothing was happening. Never have I been so SO relieved. They checked me and my cervix was still closed and I was not in labor - the bleeding was outside of the cervix (too much gross information, I know). I was contracting again and they gave me a shot and then everything... was fine. They still don't know why my body is cramping and contracting but I am not in preterm labor so they sent me home. I was told to sit and get fat until I meet with the doctor again on Thursday. I'm pretty good at that job. :)

I just feel very blessed to have him safe and sound and not here quite yet. I have been so often complaining about being pregnant and I know I needed some perspective... it was sure given. I don't want to complain any more. I want to do everything I can for him to get here, all safe and sound, and beautiful, and ready to beat up everyone else.

In the meantime, I still have been avoiding cameras. Over the 4th someone snuck in a shot where my belly is exposed, so that's the best I can do for a 'bump picture'. The remainder remain under lock and key to avoid pandemic. Plus I had to take one of Chuck at his first time at the fireworks. I hope you do not vomit.

Going Senile

A few years ago my Grandma Funk started showing the first signs of dementia. She has since never ceased to entertain us with her -isms. She often forgets the real name of things and replaces them with other words. We still get a kick out of when she was yelling at my younger sister to quit running around without her feet on. (We think she meant shoes). Or when she woke up screaming because a cow was climbing in bed with her. It was a cat.

We love my Grandma and understand that this is beyond her control. But I have never really fully understood what she must feel until recently, when I have begun the early signs of Evz-heimers. Or pregnancy brain. Or maybe just getting dumber. Or maybe it's eating too many oranges. I don't know what it is, but my brain does NOT work.

The other day I got dressed and did some things around my house for more than an hour before I realized that I had not put a shirt on. I was wearing an open jacket, but no shirt. Just my bra and special underwear hanging all out over my bowl of a belly. Not so good.
I forgot to post about how my beautiful younger sister graduated from high school. She is now looking into piracy.

I forgot to post about how my fellow favorite knocked up sister Becca turned old and had her birthday. Happy Birthday, a month ago, Becca!

I forgot to post about how my wonderful mother-in-law went back to school and graduated from Bridgerland's Interior Design program and how proud we are of her. You better enjoy this picture because this is as close up of a baby bump picture that you will get for awhile. (I still think it looks like I eat tires).

Maybe it's because I turned 27. Old, old upper twenties. Maybe that's it. But one of these days I will forget to put my clothes on all together and cause quite a neighborhood sensation. I am in Utah County after all.

Here's a picture of me forgetting where my tongue goes. Becca seems a little constipated but Erica is just plain evil.

What was the point of this post? Yeah, I forgot.

Drum roll please

Today was the day I've been peeing my pants for weeks thinking about... the day of the big ultrasound. Thankfully I remembered to put on CLEAN pants before we went out.
Honestly, all we wanted to hear was that it was either all boy or all girl, not with both parts, and really just HEALTHY.

So, with a drum roll, and a dum dum dum (because I can't think of a creative way to announce this)....

IT'S A BOY.

He's 100% healthy with all his fingers and toes and he has a thing with his feet. He kept trying to smell them. I'm trying not to worry too much yet, but if he tries to keep putting his feet in his mouth during prom, I'm pulling out the big guns.

We have been concerned with this pregnancy because my body is not like most bodies, and there has been anxiety with how this would be for me and the baby. After 3 1/2 months of being sick ALL DAY, that went away and I just feel... hungry. I am getting frequent headaches and still considered high risk, but all that matters is that my baby is still healthy. My little dude with his little boy parts. I love it!! What a miracle that we thank God for each day.

Killer Boogers, and Happiness

We have had a good couple of past weeks. I have spent the last five or so years of life in a constant state of stress. Seriously. Basketcase stress. Enough already. My life is now dedicated to happiness.
It does help with stress levels that even though I am on a wicked mad job hunt, I get to wear pj's all day and am learning to knit. Evelyn, the fearless rockstar, knitting? Yes, I'm HARDCORE, YO!!! Knitting brings happiness, I tell you. ...OK, I really need a job...

One more thing that brings me happiness: the Neti Pot. For a few weeks now, my husband (who will be totally mad at me telling this story but this is what he gets for never reading my blog) has been complaining of severe pain in his nose. He keeps thinking it is some sinus infection but I think it is either a tumor or a killer booger. Maybe it's the little man my mom told me about that bites your finger when you pick your nose. Anyways, Jake keeps whining about it and we have tried everything to get rid of it. Since our health insurance doesn't kick in until June 1st, we are all about home remedies. I followed Oprah's advice and got him the Neti Pot. Worth the eight dollars and MUCH MUCH more for the sheer entertainment value of watching him pour water up one nostril and it come out the other.

Take Luck!!!

Around 7:00 Friday night Jake and I met our friends Rob & Ashley for dinner. They were on their way to St. George because they had tickets to the sold-out show of the best comedian ever, Brian Regan (get some leaves!!!!).

Then we had a brilliant idea.... we should go TOO. It didn't matter that the show had been sold out for months.... we were going to be like ROCK STARS, living on a WING AND A PRAYER. That's right. We were going to try and be... spontaneous!! Duh, duh, duh (that is the evil music).We had a blast. We ended up packed and on the road by 9:00 p.m. and rolled into St. George around 1 a.m. I even stayed awake. Rock star. We spent Saturday hiking through Red Rock which was awesome. Saturday night we still didn't have tickets but went anyway, praying somebody would scalp them. Five minutes before the show started, I think my quivery lip worked, because a guy approached Jake and sold us TWO THIRD ROW TICKETS. Yeah. It was awesome and if you don't already know Brian Regan, make him your friend. He will change your life.

We spent the next day waddling through Zion's and Bryce Canyon. It was so nice to be out in the sun (I may have caused a few traffic accidents with the glow off my skin).

Here are Rob & Ashley in his pimp car. He can do THIS, but I can ride a bike with no handlebars.

Worst part of the trip, though, was when we went out for breakfast. I was STARVING. I ordered a double order of crepes. The waitress looked disgustedly at my big swollen 'pot belly' and said, "You sure you don't want a half order? That's one whole crepe." And I said, "DOUBLE order. With HASH BROWNS. And four tons of BUTTER." Rude.

It was a wonderful impromptu weekend. I think the baby liked it too because I think I felt it move for the first time... or it was gas... from the crepes. Either way, fun.

And if you haven't heard already, my little sister Becca has the best news ever!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!! Preggers!!!

I miss my friend sanity.

Well, it's not like I ever had MUCH sanity but any inkling of that has been lost.

We are officially Utah-rds again and honestly we love it so far! We are doing our best to fit in and say words right like 'moun-ennnn' and 'oh my HECK.' We are worried if people are around us too long, though, we might get kicked out.

I have officially spent the first two weeks in almost 10 years without a full time job. Oh dear. That's all I should say. I have enjoyed so many things, like wearing my robe until noon and never missing an episode of Price is Right. I have even tried cooking but I almost blew up my house so we'll see how far that goes in the future..... I am so used to being busy that I'm not sure what to do with all this time. I am on the hunt for another job but I am starting to look more pregasaurus than having a big donut belly so I'm a little concerned about people wanting to hire me.... oh, the woes. Woe.

The hardest part is having all this free time to think. I have been so excited about the baby and how things are going. ...but now, I have started to realize that one day this baby will come OUT, and then... oh crap. We will be responsible for it. Some nights I get so scared that I can't sleep, just worried that I will forever traumatize and screw up our helpless little miracle. Plus I also have a fear it will be ugly. Rude, I know. (I have thought of MANY ways to cover it up, though, involving hats and helmets).

Thanks to savvy Becca, though, I have discovered that I can still look AWESOME while I vacuum with my baby. Check this out:

And one more thing: Stretchy pants were sent from heaven.